To Whomever Has the Power to Sign my Future Paycheck:
Cover letters are more awkward than first dates and worse, because no one’s even getting coffee out of it. I hope you like the font I chose, because I know you’re judging it right now with the same menopausal-and-overly-critical eye you use to bully investors into funding your tech product, which is obviously a lesser iteration of com.com, released over a year and a half ago. It is important to express product knowledge in the first paragraph.
My friend from Important Skyscraper Company referred me to you, which is how I knew to make the menopause joke. Expressing humor is always important!
I’m inserting your name here to demonstrate I’m paying attention, and to show you I’m not afraid to use ethnic names. I won’t even try to give you a nickname. My friend from Important Skyscraper Company mentioned that some people in your office already have a nickname for you, but don’t worry, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have anything to do with ethnicity.
I’ve attached my two-dimensional template resume which tells the story of someone who copy-pasted every SEO keyword from your job posting in hopes of demonstrating that I am a robot.
I’m interested in this position with your overvalued, early-stage company, primarily so I can afford staying in my hometown which I don’t even recognize. All I want is to be able to afford stepping over homeless people on my way to artisan toast on Sundays with my friends who all dress the same.
I’m desperate to immerse myself in the incredibly toxic culture I’ve been reading about, of which you are an original architect and incredible influencer! And of course I’ve heard about the amazing work that you do, personally. I’d be crazy to have any self-respect at all, if you would be willing to mentor me by treating me even worse, both verbally and energetically, than the men in this industry already have.
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter which was painstakingly reformatted after having sent it out three times already this morning.
It would be ridiculous if an email actually found anyone well.
Current Sh*t 